Defeat

I have been feeling incredibly defeated lately. I have tried not to show it, but I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and when I am hurting, even more so.

There wasn't a starting point; not that I can identify anyway, not but I do know that ever since I got baptized, the enemy has been after me.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
1 Peter 5:8

I never really paid much attention to the first part of that verse until right now. "Be self-controlled and alert." Be aware of the enemies schemes. Control yourself and your reactions.

I have not done a great job of that lately.

The silver lining is that I have been forgiven - ever since that day that the enemy and I broke up and he's been on the warpath trying to win me back - and that I just need to act like it.

Shine?

You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.
Matthew 5: 14-16 NASB

We are called not only to do good works, but we are called to do these works out in the open and let our light "shine before men" so that they can see them and praise God. But what if you prefer to hide in your house, praising God alone, but still do good works? Isn't this still ok?

Honestly, this is a struggle for me. I have turned myself into an extrovert and made it my mission to meet people, make new friends, join many ministries and do works in a very public way. But during the rest of the week, I'd love to curl up on the couch and write my blog, do my work for the world and just hide out. I simply do not want to be around people, talk, interact, anything.

Unfortunately, this isn't God's plan. Over and over again, He points us to his plan for fellowship in many parts of our lives beyond Sunday or during the big project. He tells us that it is not good for us to be alone. (Genesis 2:18). He tells us to show hospitality to strangers and one another (Hebrews 13:2, Romans 12:13). These are ways that I need to hang my lampstand at home but haven't successfully done yet. I'm willing to hang a light at someone else's house but it gets tough when you are asked to do it at your own.

It's a process. We are the light of the world. Whether that is a tealight or a floodlight right now is irrelevant. Stick with God and the rest will come. For now, just shine.

A Gift

I was leaving church after the last service to grab a cup of ice from the gas station when a young girl about the same age as my daughter came running after me.

"Lukey's mom! Lukey's mom!" she called. 

I call my son Luke. Everyone else on the planet calls him Lukey so I am outvoted.

I turned around and she said, "You have a wonderful voice! You sang that song and I just love it now!"

"That's a gift from God," I said, "and thank you for your kind words."

I was part of the Worship Team today and one of the songs we used in the worship set was Restless by was Audrey Assad. It's a beautiful song, and God can use it no matter who is singing.

I think it's important, especially for a child, to know that God gives us these gifts and that we can offer them right back in worship to Him. When someone tells me that I did a great job it can be uncomfortable for me because my human nature and ego want to take that praise and keep it.

For God's gifts and his call can never be withdrawn.
Romans 11:29 NLT

But I know that He gave me this gift and the glory belongs to Him. So I pass the praise right back to him. So when someone, like the child, tells me I sang wonderfully, well then "praise God," "God is good" and "it's a gift from God."

Go back to work

I'm not going to lie. I wish that I didn't desire to do exactly what the title of this post says.

There is a very real part of me that would like nothing more than to stop everything I am doing right now, quit every ministry that I have committed myself and my family to, and just go back to work. It should be that easy. I even had an interview last week and was nearly convinced that I could go back to work, enroll the children in after school care and endure a 2 1/2 hour daily commute. I prayed for God to reveal His will, that if this was His plan that he make it abundantly clear, that if this is what He wants, to make it happen. Thing is, I really wanted it deep down, I think.

No one ever said being transparent would be pretty. On the flip side, no one ever said that prayer was getting everything you want.

God's will was revealed. I didn't get the job. My ministry at home and in communications and worship continues with renewed vigor.

There is still a twinge, however, when I recognize that there is a whole world out there that considers what I am doing as not "working." To a large number of people, even those within the church, I am "unemployed." I am unemployed by man, but I am employed by the best boss I will ever have. I have the best benefits you could ask for and my paycheck is waiting for me. I got a down payment and will cash the rest in later on.

I know I need to throw out the boxes of being "as good" as everyone else. Of "achievement=worth." They are so old and so familiar that it becomes hard to do. The longer I live this new life as a homemaker, a spiritual leader to my children and realize that there is worth in things other than what I do for a living, it makes throwing out that old garbage easier.

I realize I can't "go back to work." I'm already there.