Go back to work

I'm not going to lie. I wish that I didn't desire to do exactly what the title of this post says.

There is a very real part of me that would like nothing more than to stop everything I am doing right now, quit every ministry that I have committed myself and my family to, and just go back to work. It should be that easy. I even had an interview last week and was nearly convinced that I could go back to work, enroll the children in after school care and endure a 2 1/2 hour daily commute. I prayed for God to reveal His will, that if this was His plan that he make it abundantly clear, that if this is what He wants, to make it happen. Thing is, I really wanted it deep down, I think.

No one ever said being transparent would be pretty. On the flip side, no one ever said that prayer was getting everything you want.

God's will was revealed. I didn't get the job. My ministry at home and in communications and worship continues with renewed vigor.

There is still a twinge, however, when I recognize that there is a whole world out there that considers what I am doing as not "working." To a large number of people, even those within the church, I am "unemployed." I am unemployed by man, but I am employed by the best boss I will ever have. I have the best benefits you could ask for and my paycheck is waiting for me. I got a down payment and will cash the rest in later on.

I know I need to throw out the boxes of being "as good" as everyone else. Of "achievement=worth." They are so old and so familiar that it becomes hard to do. The longer I live this new life as a homemaker, a spiritual leader to my children and realize that there is worth in things other than what I do for a living, it makes throwing out that old garbage easier.

I realize I can't "go back to work." I'm already there.